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Activision Strikes Gold with “Guitar Has Been”

Decimate Your Self-esteem Like a Rock Star

Decimate your self-esteem like a rock star.

Activision’s latest rock experience, “Guitar Has Been,” launched this week to tepid reviews, but record sales.  The game, which pits you in the tanned boots and acid washed jean shorts of a former rock star eager to regain fame through rehab stints and reality TV shows, sold over 6 million copies in January alone.

Activision’s CEO, Bobby Kotick, has been outspoken about the game’s ability to channel the human desire to be a C-list celebrity. “The cheap booze, the empty flings, the economy class flights—these are the things gamers want to experience. Guitar Has Been provides them without the STDs, years of parental failure or crippling shame of bankruptcy,” said Kotick at last year’s Electronic Entertainment Expo.

Like previous Activision rhythm games, Guitar Has Been comes packaged with an innovative controller. The device, a rubber sex doll tastefully dubbed the “Control-Whore,” intends to immerse gamers in the full “Has Been” lifestyle.  With the “Control-Whore”, players compete in mini-games like “Sedate the Abusive Girlfriend Before She Fights Your Mother,”  “Annoy Your Roommates With Nasty Loud Hate Sex,” and “Beg for Forgiveness from a Merciless God.”

Players can also play local co-op with “Celebrity Talent Show Mode.”

Guitar Has Been is sold at most major consumer electronic retailers and costs your dignity.

plante

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The Cliffster’s Badass Plan to Fix New Games Journo

Here to Kick Ass and Save Games Journalism

Cliffy B: Here to Kick Ass and Save Games Journalism

How did I, Cliff Blezinski, become CliffyB? Kitchen-squats. And when Cliffy B didn’t bed a dozen women a night, what’d he do? Juiced pheromones out of dominant apes and slurped them like a friggin Diet Soda.

Cliffy B takes action. So when folks get upset about New Games Journalism, the Cliffster fixes it. He fixes it because he cares. He fixes it and runs twenty miles to tame his gluts and then he fixes it again.

Here’s the Cliffster’s badass plan.

The Cliffster’s Badass Plan to Fix New Games Journo in Ten Really Friggin Easy Steps:

10.) The Friggin Secret: No secret that if you want something like say a thoughtful feature or sweet exclusive you just have to envision it as a reality. When I decided to become a super-duper-megastar I painted a mural on my living room wall of myself standing atop a mountain top made of platinum ice. I had a goblet in one hand, a babe in the other, and, across my chest, a necklace of elf ears. Since then, I’ve secured two out of those three items. I’m sure you minions can guess which two.*

9.) Perk Up or Shut Up: Demand your boss pay you appropriately. Studies run by the Cliff Institute of Kickassology show that journos work harder when they get a fair deal. Don’t have a boss? Fine, The Cliff’s your Boss now. For every blog post you’ll get a gold lancer. For every blog post about Dude Huge you’ll get a Lambo.

8.) Read Thy Neighbor: Plenty of great games writers both big and small. Read them. Support them. The favor shall be returned. So Cliffy has said. So it shall be.

7.) Save the Trash Talk for Horde Mode: No need to pick on your fellow bros, Broseph. Let the journos be journos, and journo all day about journo stuff. If you think they care too much about Mega Man 9’s retro revival, or that shooting zombies in RE5 can be seriously whack, that’s fine. Dag yo, they might completely misunderstand GoW 2’s Garden State-esque narrative. But that’s their own shit-factory to work through.

Still want to fight ‘em? Cool, but let me recommend you two punk it out in some “horde to the gorde” multiplayer (preferably in a game that has guns equipped with chainsaws! Vrrrm-mm-m, amirite?!).

6.) Don’t Prognosticate Too Fast and Make a Gooey Mess: We all know a game generally gets like four months of hype and then the bash fest starts, but don’t hate because you want to be the first to backlash, srsly. It may be hard for you little minions to believe, but The Cliffster has plenty of experience with this problem. Sometimes people—angry people that deserve a Cliffy chop—tell me, “Cliffy, everybody else may think your games are cool, but I don’t like your games because they’re stupid.”

That’s dumb. My games are sweet. Everyone likes them. And even if my games weren’t perfect (they are), only lameos hate something just because other peeps like it. If you got to hate the Cliffy, then give thoughtful and insightful reasons why you personally hate the Cliffy. Capiche?

Cliffy dishes out the the top 5 friggin killer tips to save New Games Journalism after the jump…

Read the rest of this entry »

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