SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA – Further proof that lightning doesn’t strike thrice: a fat, ugly Korean named Jin Ho who has never touched a woman before failed to impress the judges of Britain’s Got Talent with his Crazy Taxi high score.
Mr. Ho, who is just over five foot tall and weighs well over two-hundred pounds, appeared before the judges with a Sega Dreamcast in his hands and asked that a television be wheeled onstage. While technicians scrambled to meet his requests, judge Simon Cowell staged an impromptu interview.
“What’re we going to be seeing from you today, Jin?”
“I’m gonna play Crazy Taxi for you,” Mr. Ho replied as a chair was placed for him onstage. Mr. Ho took a seat and fired up the console. “I’m gonna beat my own high score.”
Judges Simon Cowell, Amanda Holden, and Piers Morgan, as well as a confused and captivated audience at the Sydney Opera House, watched for six full minutes as Mr. Ho played through one of the hardest levels in the game without uttering a word.
“I’ve always wanted to play in front of a large audience,” Mr. Ho told interviewers before his turn on stage. “This is a talent that I have been nurturing for years, ever since Crazy Taxi came out in February, 2000. I’ve shown a few people – mostly family – and they don’t seem to understand how… hard it is to do what I’m doing. My hope is that smart people like Simon will recognize my high scoring ability and everyone will applaud and a girl will touch my [penis].”
Mr. Ho managed to beat his high score by well over two hundred points, possibly setting a world record for that level, but by then the audience had turned on him. Piers managed to quiet the crowd momentarily while he and the rest of the judges ripped Mr. Ho apart.
“Completely miserable,” Simon told Mr. Ho, “The worst I’ve seen. It seems we’ve opened a Pandora’s Box of hideously unattractive people who think they can find salvation on a television program. Well let me say this to you, Jin Ho, and to the entire viewing audience – it isn’t gonna happen. It just isn’t. Go back to your cave.”