You take games too seriously.

Fat, Ugly Korean Fails to Wow Britain’s Got Talent Judges With Crazy Taxi High Score

Mr. Ho takes a load off while the Dreamcast is set up.

Mr. Ho takes a load off while the Dreamcast is set up.

SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA – Further proof that lightning doesn’t strike thrice: a fat, ugly Korean named Jin Ho who has never touched a woman before failed to impress the judges of Britain’s Got Talent with his Crazy Taxi high score.

Mr. Ho, who is just over five foot tall and weighs well over two-hundred pounds, appeared before the judges with a Sega Dreamcast in his hands and asked that a television be wheeled onstage. While technicians scrambled to meet his requests, judge Simon Cowell staged an impromptu interview.

“What’re we going to be seeing from you today, Jin?”

“I’m gonna play Crazy Taxi for you,” Mr. Ho replied as a chair was placed for him onstage. Mr. Ho took a seat and fired up the console. “I’m gonna beat my own high score.”

Judges Simon Cowell, Amanda Holden, and Piers Morgan, as well as a confused and captivated audience at the Sydney Opera House, watched for six full minutes as Mr. Ho played through one of the hardest levels in the game without uttering a word.

“I’ve always wanted to play in front of a large audience,” Mr. Ho told interviewers before his turn on stage. “This is a talent that I have been nurturing for years, ever since Crazy Taxi came out in February, 2000. I’ve shown a few people – mostly family – and they don’t seem to understand how… hard it is to do what I’m doing. My hope is that smart people like Simon will recognize my high scoring ability and everyone will applaud and a girl will touch my [penis].”

Mr. Ho managed to beat his high score by well over two hundred points, possibly setting a world record for that level, but by then the audience had turned on him. Piers managed to quiet the crowd momentarily while he and the rest of the judges ripped Mr. Ho apart.

“Completely miserable,” Simon told Mr. Ho, “The worst I’ve seen. It seems we’ve opened a Pandora’s Box of hideously unattractive people who think they can find salvation on a television program. Well let me say this to you, Jin Ho, and to the entire viewing audience – it isn’t gonna happen. It just isn’t. Go back to your cave.”



Filed under: Commentary

Dante’s Inferno Delayed for Tedious, Rigid Adaptation

In-Game Screenshot

In-Game Screenshot

REDWOOD CITY, CA – In order to redesign Dante’s Inferno as a page-by-page adaptation of the first part of Dante Alighieri’s The Divine Comedy, EA Redwood Studios has delayed the game to October 2010.

“We’ve listened to the fans,” said Jonathan Knight, Dante’s Inferno’s Executive Producer. “And what they want is a 45 hour allegorical cut scene.”

Knight promises a rigorously precise adaptation. All in-game text and dialogue will be in Dante’s 14th century Italian and the current third person view will be abandoned for the poem’s first person perspective. As for the game’s depressive charcoal-hued environments, they will now be populated with hundreds of NPCs players can look forward to researching at their local public library.

Knight  claims the game will include every bit of the book’s dense symbolism and historical context.  “We want players to question the merit of their state school English degree.”

To attract non-gamers familiar with the text, Dante’s move roster will be parsed to an intuitive three button attack system: observe, intellectually digest and emote as interior monologue. The three moves will work alone or strung together for a “Canto Combo.”

Possibly the most innovative design  choice is the developer’s plan to conceal load screens with a mini-game where players can connect a USB keyboard and write an undergraduate thesis on the illustrations of Gustave Dore.

“Our craftsmanship doesn’t stop with the original text. Or even the artwork. We’ve gone so far as to compile Aligheri’s complete works to create an AI that imitates the authors thoughts,” said Knight, proudly. “Some people say we can’t guarantee a definitive reading of this complicated allegory, those people haven’t met our cybernetic Dante.”

The folks at Redwood also understand the updated version of their game might alienate the core audience. That’s why they will offer a two mission Clift Notes edition for $10 on PSN and 800 Microsoft points on XBLA for gamers who forget or cannot be bothered to play Dante’s Inferno before their 5th period AP English midterm. Redwood plans to release $10 DLC packs for Purgatorio and Paradiso in time for finals.

“I guarantee fans will get exactly what they want,” said Knight. “Playing Dante’s Inferno will be a living hell.”


Filed under: Commentary

Study: 80% of Players Remember Selves “Way Better” at Marvel Vs. Capcom 2

mvc2CAMBRIDGE, MA – In a study released concurrently with Monday’s announcement that arcade fighting classic Marvel Vs. Capcom 2 would see re-release on Xbox Live Arcade and PSN this summer, MIT researchers announced that beta participants uniformly suffered from a new form of delusion. Dr. Raymond Ng summarized the results, saying, “We looked at players’ stated earlier abilities, and their abilities in observed testing, and found that the gap was often massive. Players seem to be unable to remember just how terrible they were at MvC 2.”

The results were surprising for many. Hardcasual editor Chris Plante bragged, “Oh, man. I can run that game. I used to hang out at the Chinatown arcade with a Servbot / Ryu / Carnage team that would completely own.” When told that Carnage was actually not a character in Marvel Vs. Capcom 2, Plante looked confused and absent-mindedly removed his shoes.

“This is the kind of behavior we see,” said Dr. Ng, “Among the truly delusional players. When their fond memories of these games are challenged, they become nearly catatonic. Really, most of these players were just mashing ‘fierce punch’ as hard as they could and occasionally pulling off a quarter-circle turn. Once they’re faced with online competition… Well, they may be in for a terrible shock.”

Similar research, released in the ramp-up to Super Street Fighter 2 Turbo: HD Remix, had revealed that many players remembered Street Fighter 2 as being “fun,” only to be shocked to realize that the game really was anything but that.

Dr. Ng and his team are preparing to begin a new study on Killer Instinct fans, examining the effects of nostalgia on the human brain’s ability to romanticize a completely forgettable fighting game.

sam ryan

Filed under: Commentary

Homeless Man Outside Arcade: “Stop Puttin’ Tokens in My Fuckin’ Cup”

It's called a quarter, faggot!

It's called a quarter, faggot!

LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA – The homeless man living outside the FamilyTime Arcade on Vermont Street wants the world to know that he has no use for tokens, and to please stop putting them in his change cup.

The man, who looks to be around fifty years old, with ratty bleached hair and large scar across his right cheek, told Hardcasual that his name is ‘Jesus Motherfuckin’ Christ’ and that he is trying to collect enough change to print his own version of the Bible. According to Mr. Christ, he has been on this corner for three years now and has no plans to relocate.

“Been here for so long, got all my stash spots around here, y’know? Never had no problem until goddamn video games came in. Fucker. Fucker puts gold shit in my cup. What am I s’posed to do with this? Goddammit!”

Mr. Christ told Hardcasual that he is a Vietnam veteran, as well as a veteran of both World Wars. That would make him over a hundred years old.

“I shot JFK,” he said, and then took out a switchblade and cut up a piece of beef jerky. Not a minute later, a group of teenagers walked by and threw tokens into his empty In N’ Out cup. Mr. Christ looked visibly upset, spitting on this reporter’s jeans.

“That guy is a menace,” said Yuna Qua, the owner of FamilyTime arcade. Mrs. Qua went on to tell a story about how Mr. Christ broke into her arcade and was caught by police performing sexual acts on an unplugged Silent Scope machine. “My customers hate him. That’s why they do it. It’s cruel, but there are a million other places he could hang out besides outside my store.”

Not true, according to Mr. Christ. “God called me. This is where I’m at, y’know? One a these days I’m gonna get a shovel and dig through the cement where you’re standing and come out in China. Then I’ll be fuckin’ king. I’ll be King Rape.”


Filed under: Commentary, , , , , , , ,

Duke Nukem to Sponsor Microwave

"Nuke'em with Nukem!"

"Nuke'em with Nukem!"

Duke Nukem, known for his popular 1990’s FPS, Duke Nukem 3D, has signed a five-year, $40,000 contract with GE to lend his name and likeness to their latest home cooking line—the Duke Nukem Countertop Microwave Ovens.

The line, GE believes, will elevate their microwaves from a kitchen appliance to a dining room centerpiece. “The microwave’s sleek design will please wives that want the modern aesthetic,” said Mark Henderson, GE’s Head of Sales. “And it’s sporadic tendency to warp users into a post-apocalyptic Los Angeles filled with strippers and pig cops will please husbands that want out of their thankless marriage.”

When contacted about his latest business venture, Duke Nukem offered a typically brief response, “Groovy.” Pressed for more details, Nukem nervously scanned the room for his publicist, mumbling, “Shake it, baby?”

Along with the heat settings and a built-in timer, the microwave will also feature misogynistic content, graphic depictions of violence and cultural stereotypes. “Instead of a beep to let you know you’re food’s ready the microwave grovels ‘Suck it down,’” said Nukem, running a comb through his hair. “It’s real bitchin.”

“Originally we had plans to cut costs, just put Dolph Lundgren in a Duke Nukem costume and call it a day,” said Henderson. “But Duke said he’d work for scraps. He even moonlights as our janitor.”


Filed under: Commentary

Bomberman Sends New York Times Handwritten, Seventy-Four Page Manifesto Denouncing Abortion

Handwritten manifestos are hard to write when you don't have fingers.

Handwritten manifestos are hard to write when you don't have fingers.

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK – Bill Keller, editor of the New York Times, announced today that Bomberman, the robot-turned-human who has starred in over a dozen video games, is demanding that the paper publish a sprawling, seventy-four page document outlining his reasons for engaging in acts of domestic terrorism. Mr. Keller went on to state that Bomberman threatened more acts of violence if the paper declined.

“Mr. Bomberman telephoned our offices at around nine o’ clock this morning, giving one of my staff members instructions on how to obtain his manifesto and what he planned to do if we did not publish it in tomorrow’s paper. After contacting the authorities and discussing our options, we have decided to publish the document in it’s entirety in this weekend’s edition of the New York Times Magazine, between a wonderful interview with Phillip Seymour Hoffman and an ad for Celebrex.”

Hardcasual managed to obtain the first four pages of the manifesto, titled “A Plagued Society and Its Future.” In it, Mr. Bomberman explicitly details his journey from bomb-making robot-slave to human with bomb-making powers to born-again Christian to staunch anti-abortion advocate.

According to Mr. Bomberman, he and his allies are fighting a ‘holy war’ against the ‘forces of evil’ embedded in this country, one that can ‘only be won through acts of vilence.’ [sic] Bomberman continues to list each of his twenty-six victims by name, stating that he ‘has no remorse for baby killers,’ all of whom he believes ‘will be judged in the fiery fires of hell.’

“He’s obviously a very deranged individual,” said Shannon Pratz, whose husband was killed in a car-bombing two years ago that has been linked to Bombers for Babies, a militant activist group at one time headed by Bomberman.

“I just hope that by publishing this trash, people see what a wacko that pink-antennaed prick really is,” she said.

Hudson, which was developing a new Bomberman game for the Playstation 3 when the attacks began, has canceled all future projects for the franchise.

“It’s disappointing, yes,” a representative for the company told Hardcasual. “He was immensely popular here, but what can you do? Bomberman will not be appearing in any further Hudson products, just like Sony’s Crash Bandicoot franchise was shelved after he raped all those girls.”

Filed under: Commentary, , , , , , ,

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