On the weekends, HardCasual hands over their keys to friends. We encourage them to share their rants, raves, or groans about whatever they feel fit–the podium’s theirs. We only ask they stay on topic, don’t incite revolution, and vacuum the living room.
This week, a local NYC playwright and musician, Chris Littler, takes time away from the high arts to bless us with a revelation: Super Smash Bros. is the first Jukebox Game. If SVGL‘s blasphemous SSBB comments made your blood boil, I warn you, beware. For what follows digs deep into the nether regions of Nintendo, Broadway musicals, and ABBA.
Proceed with Caution.
The Jukebox Video Game
Mr. Plante and I are currently trudging through the seemingly endless single-player mode of Super Smash Bros. Brawl. He does most of the grunt work. The camera follows him as he bounces around while I do my best to comprehend what the hell is happening on screen and stay alive.
Since the majority of my time is spent waiting to respawn, I have plenty of time to consider the big question that Subspace Emissary begs be asked of itself. Namely, WHAT IN HIGH HOLY SHITBALL ISLAND IS HAPPENING?
Why are Diddy Kong and Star Fox wandering the jungle, looking for a fight?
Oh. Then why are the two Earthbound leads (totally the same person) bouncing around a decrepit old zoo together?
I see. Ancient Wizard, you say? Okay, well who let Ganondorf, one of the most inept villains in videogame history (watch your back, Bowser!), run the villains new ramshackle bureaucracy? Were there always this many R.O.B.’s zipping around the world, and if so, who decided that an outdated Nintendo accessory would make an acceptable henchman? By my estimates, the Virtual Boy has a decade on R.O.B. Does that not count for anything?
Okay. You already knew that the game makes no sense, and maybe you’ve already come to terms with it. And, I admit, my own gut instinct was to shut up, plow through it, and forget the whole thing ever happened once everything that could be unlocked was unlocked.
But I can’t do that. I’ve got fingers to point.
See where the finger pointing leads after jump…
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