You take games too seriously.

Dante’s Inferno Delayed for Tedious, Rigid Adaptation

In-Game Screenshot

In-Game Screenshot

REDWOOD CITY, CA – In order to redesign Dante’s Inferno as a page-by-page adaptation of the first part of Dante Alighieri’s The Divine Comedy, EA Redwood Studios has delayed the game to October 2010.

“We’ve listened to the fans,” said Jonathan Knight, Dante’s Inferno’s Executive Producer. “And what they want is a 45 hour allegorical cut scene.”

Knight promises a rigorously precise adaptation. All in-game text and dialogue will be in Dante’s 14th century Italian and the current third person view will be abandoned for the poem’s first person perspective. As for the game’s depressive charcoal-hued environments, they will now be populated with hundreds of NPCs players can look forward to researching at their local public library.

Knight  claims the game will include every bit of the book’s dense symbolism and historical context.  “We want players to question the merit of their state school English degree.”

To attract non-gamers familiar with the text, Dante’s move roster will be parsed to an intuitive three button attack system: observe, intellectually digest and emote as interior monologue. The three moves will work alone or strung together for a “Canto Combo.”

Possibly the most innovative design  choice is the developer’s plan to conceal load screens with a mini-game where players can connect a USB keyboard and write an undergraduate thesis on the illustrations of Gustave Dore.

“Our craftsmanship doesn’t stop with the original text. Or even the artwork. We’ve gone so far as to compile Aligheri’s complete works to create an AI that imitates the authors thoughts,” said Knight, proudly. “Some people say we can’t guarantee a definitive reading of this complicated allegory, those people haven’t met our cybernetic Dante.”

The folks at Redwood also understand the updated version of their game might alienate the core audience. That’s why they will offer a two mission Clift Notes edition for $10 on PSN and 800 Microsoft points on XBLA for gamers who forget or cannot be bothered to play Dante’s Inferno before their 5th period AP English midterm. Redwood plans to release $10 DLC packs for Purgatorio and Paradiso in time for finals.

“I guarantee fans will get exactly what they want,” said Knight. “Playing Dante’s Inferno will be a living hell.”



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