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Bomberman Sends New York Times Handwritten, Seventy-Four Page Manifesto Denouncing Abortion

Handwritten manifestos are hard to write when you don't have fingers.

Handwritten manifestos are hard to write when you don't have fingers.

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK – Bill Keller, editor of the New York Times, announced today that Bomberman, the robot-turned-human who has starred in over a dozen video games, is demanding that the paper publish a sprawling, seventy-four page document outlining his reasons for engaging in acts of domestic terrorism. Mr. Keller went on to state that Bomberman threatened more acts of violence if the paper declined.

“Mr. Bomberman telephoned our offices at around nine o’ clock this morning, giving one of my staff members instructions on how to obtain his manifesto and what he planned to do if we did not publish it in tomorrow’s paper. After contacting the authorities and discussing our options, we have decided to publish the document in it’s entirety in this weekend’s edition of the New York Times Magazine, between a wonderful interview with Phillip Seymour Hoffman and an ad for Celebrex.”

Hardcasual managed to obtain the first four pages of the manifesto, titled “A Plagued Society and Its Future.” In it, Mr. Bomberman explicitly details his journey from bomb-making robot-slave to human with bomb-making powers to born-again Christian to staunch anti-abortion advocate.

According to Mr. Bomberman, he and his allies are fighting a ‘holy war’ against the ‘forces of evil’ embedded in this country, one that can ‘only be won through acts of vilence.’ [sic] Bomberman continues to list each of his twenty-six victims by name, stating that he ‘has no remorse for baby killers,’ all of whom he believes ‘will be judged in the fiery fires of hell.’

“He’s obviously a very deranged individual,” said Shannon Pratz, whose husband was killed in a car-bombing two years ago that has been linked to Bombers for Babies, a militant activist group at one time headed by Bomberman.

“I just hope that by publishing this trash, people see what a wacko that pink-antennaed prick really is,” she said.

Hudson, which was developing a new Bomberman game for the Playstation 3 when the attacks began, has canceled all future projects for the franchise.

“It’s disappointing, yes,” a representative for the company told Hardcasual. “He was immensely popular here, but what can you do? Bomberman will not be appearing in any further Hudson products, just like Sony’s Crash Bandicoot franchise was shelved after he raped all those girls.”

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this is a blog about video games by chris plante, sam ryan and chris littler.


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