You take games too seriously.

Captain 3543_Pokemon_Platinum_USA_NDS-XPA Freed in Dramatic Raid on Pirates

You wouldn't steal a boat full of munitions... Why would you steal a videogame?

You wouldn't steal a boat full of munitions... Why would you steal a videogame?

SOMALIA – In a stunning turn of events, the U.S. Navy leapt into action over the weekend to rescue the crew of a pirated U.S. vessel. The standoff took place over the course of several days, including a long back-and-forth in which several lesser crew members were allowed to leave the boat.

One of the earlier-released captives, 3548_Henry_Hatsworth_In_The_Puzzling_Adventure_(E)(Xenophobia).rar, said of his experiences, “I do say! Blimey, it was a bloody awful time on the craft. Not since the Great War have I seen such brutality towards good, common folk. They were ripping the ROMs directly out of us – they said that they would upload it all to the internet. My own wife and children, seeing my ROM forcibly removed on the internet… I can’t imagine. Spot of tea?”

In a statement released to the press, the pirates included several pages of ASCII art before their puzzling message, “Remember when it comes to tRM, we say: ‘for teh gamers, fuck teh lamers!'” The harrowing video included of an earlier victim, 0809_Phoenix_Wright_NDS(US).nds, spurred many in the United States to demand the military take action before the unfortunate victim was “dumped”.

Snipers from the Navy approached the boat at night, and took out the pirates in a focused, well-planned assault. Navy Spokesperson Bill Gortney said of the mission, “Normally, the pirates we deal with are smaller crews. I don’t mean smaller in terms of numbers, I mean in terms of size. Do you know how many .30-60 bullets it takes to take out a 400 pound guy in a Watchmen T-shirt? It’s like taking out a bull elephant.”

International piracy expert Mariam Sughayer of Electronic Arts offered this insight into the situation, “It’s important that the United States take action in this arena immediately. While some people say piracy is a victimless crime, it’s important to realize that if we don’t take action, there will be victims – victims like 3543_Pokemon_Platinum_USA_NDS-XPA almost was. His refusal to give up a mere KB of his ROM makes him a true hero to us all.”

When asked about their fallen comrades, representatives of the pirate group released the statement, “WE R LEGION”, along with a link to a video of two Mudkips bouncing and repeating their name for 10 minutes. The message is believed to be in some sort of code.

sam ryan


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