You take games too seriously.

Assassin’s Creed to Feature Penis-less Alternate Universe

Where's the beef?

Where's the beef?

Surprise, Ubisoft’s teaser for Assassin’s Creed 2 contains a big spoiler: the sequel will take place in a universe without penises. The clue’s hidden (er, not hidden) in the lower abdomen of the Vitruvian Man.

When contacted for comment, Ubisoft confirmed the “absent penis” and applauded Hardcasual for uncovering their “hidden in plain sight” Easter egg. Ubisoft, who wears their PR like an open kimono, has even gone so far to reward our hawkish eyes with exclusive details on the game’s story.


-The game will take place in 2045. Male maturity has regressed so completely that all penises have fallen off.

-Men now accumulate semen under their armpits. For reproductive purposes, women harvest it with sharp spoons.

-Deodorant is outlawed, and thus has become a valuable commodity for men who hope to evade semen poachers.

-The story takes place during the peak of the Antiperspirant prohibition. You play as Jezebel, a female assassin who’s been hired to terminate the leaders of a deodorant smuggling gang dubbed “The Right Guards.” They believe they are the defenders of what is right.

-Like the original, the “real” arc of the game takes place in the not-so distant future. The real hero is Clyde Rex, a part-time drywaller. He’s kidnapped by Asbergo Industries kidnap and used as a lab rat for the Vaginus, a device that transports him into Jezebel’s mind during 2045.

“We’re proud to offer players a strong female protagonist,” said an Activision PR rep. “But even better, she’s actually a dude. So gamers can relate.”

“She’s just like my girlfriend,” said Hardcasual freelancer, Scott Pendrix.



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4 Responses

  1. Tina says:

    I was hoping you’d somehow connect this to the Lonely Island’s last track on Incredibad

  2. Tim Seppala says:

    Solid gold Chris.

  3. The Hammer says:

    Hahaha, this was brilliant.

  4. Jonathan says:


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this is a blog about video games by chris plante, sam ryan and chris littler.

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