You take games too seriously.

Microtransactions Bring iPhone Users New Way to Waste Money

that dog would be nothing without that shirt.

that dog would be nothing without that shirt.

CUPERTINO, CA – Scott Fortstall, Apple VP for iPhone Development, led a press conference today sure to be exciting to the 20 million iPhone customers – and the 20,000 hardcore gamers amidst them. Forstall confirmed analysts’ expectations in one major regard – he confirmed that the iPhone would continue to be a strong market for mediocre ports with shitty controls.

Forstall brought onstage Neil Young of ngmoco:), the worst-named games company in the world, for the announcement of Micro Pets, an utterly horrible Nintendogs ripoff for the iPhone. Adding to the excitement for utterly braindead gamers who don’t give a shit about having fun, he announced a brand new feature for iPhone games: meaningless microtransactions.

“In Micro Pets, we open a whole world for gamers – a world in which there are pets you can interact with. Groundbreaking, right? But even assuming you were into that shit off the bat, let me tell you what knocks it out of the park – you can buy shirts. For your dogs. That’s right – dog shirts.”

The Dog Shirts, a $.99 microtransaction within Micro Pets, mark the first in a promising tradition in iPhone games’ ability to utterly screw over users. These shirts change the appearance of Micro Pets for users too rich, insecure, or both to just accept that their virtual pets do not need virtual, totally ridiculous clothes.

In a question and answer session after the announcements, Mr. Forstall added to the announcement, “From GTA IV to Resident Evil 5, we live in a world that depends on downloadable content. And when this technology moved to the iPhone, we wanted to make sure we captured it at its most awful and vapid.”

Mr. Young of ngmoco:), whose company’s Rolando horrifically ripped off the PSP’s LocoRoco, added a final thought. “Our company is, and has always been, dedicated to sparing no expense to make you pay out the ear for products that aren’t even our own. Enjoy the sensation of Rolando – because before you know it we’ll have another level for a mere $.99 (30% to Apple).”

sam ryan


Filed under: Commentary

6 Responses

  1. Woj says:

    The original title was much better.

    • Sam Ryan says:

      thank wordpress for the change – i rewrote the entire post after it scrapped it when i tried to write tags.

      i hate this shit.

  2. flo says:

    funny you didn’t mention ngmocos shooter with the “oh, i need a rocket launcher to frag someone … sure just another .99” maybe even per session?

  3. future sam says:

    write your post in Word!

    …oh no, i’m too late.

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this is a blog about video games by chris plante, sam ryan and chris littler.

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