You take games too seriously.

Cranky Kong Dispatched After Freeway Barrel Attack

Rumble in the Jungle

Rumble in the Jungle

Police shot and killed Cranky Kong, the local 33-year-old ape, Friday after he began to throw barrels onto the I-45 freeway, injuring a half-dozen civilians and destroying three cars. The primate’s motives are currently under investigation, though early reports blame the ape’s breakfast: a dangerous cocktail of bananas and peanuts.

Cranky achieved celebrity in 1981 when he starred in the popular arcade title Donkey Kong, and returned to fame in 1994 with his role as grumpy elder in the SNES title, Donkey Kong Country. Shortly after a humiliating experience on the set of Donkey Kong 64, Cranky sold off a factory full of N64 Expansion Packs to purchase a ranch in East Burlington.

For the past three years, Cranky had become a staple of East Burlington, giving away free hints to the towns many secrets. “He told me where to find red balloons behind Purifoy’s Delicatessen,” said Adam Metzger, the town’s historian.

Unfortunately, the current economic slump forced Cranky to quit the free advice market and open a more profitable venture in the form of a Retro Games Museum where he then sold his wisdom for Banana Coins.

But Cranky’s luck ran out again when it became apparent to the ape that Banana Coins were not a sustainable currency. Desperate to pay his mortgage and trim the debt from his failed museum investment, Cranky played banjo and wore people’s clothing at a local children’s pizza parlor for cash tips.

People in town called Cranky an amicable, occasionally cantankerous neighbor. All were shocked by the day’s events.



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