You take games too seriously.

UGO Reverses 1up Buyout Thanks to Brave Actions of bdnjfbdenk

bdnjfbdenk's Original Inspirational Message

bdnjfbdenk's Original Inspirational Message

Seventeen days after its first announcement, the buyout of 1up.com by Hearst Media’s UGO has been retracted, due to the power of online protests. Led, in no small part, by a man named bdnjfbdenk, the protests quickly gripped the internet, and soon spilled out onto the streets of the US’s major cities.

bdnjfbdenk first took action on January 6th, mere moments after the buyout was announced, by posting on UGO’s comment thread, “FUCKKK UGO U FIREDS SHANE! FUCKK THIS SHITE I M NEVER GOING AGAIN U FAGZZ”. It was this first volley that ignited a wave of protests far-reaching in both the private and public sphere.

Within hours, bdnjfbdenk had changed his NeoGAF.com and SomethingAwful.com message board avatars to a self-fashioned image of the UGO.com logo, with DIE appended to the image. This powerful work of protest art quickly ascended to the level of Shepard Fairey’s iconic “HOPE” Barack Obama poster and the classic “V For Victory” of the Britons in World War II.

But what began as a mere internet protest quickly became a national phenomenon. As bdnjfbdenk galvanized a confused public, his words became harsher and his influence spread further. In a post on January 11, bdnjfbdenk announced, “THIS SITZ SUXXX DONKEY COXX GUYZ LET’S MARCH ON WQSHINGTON!!!!!”.

Within the day, thousands had already gathered on Washington, DC, where the National Mall was choked with formerly passive internet denizens. Chants of “UGO! YOU MUST GO!” and plantive folk renditions by Norah Jones and Jakob Dylan of the 1up Show’s theme song entertained the protesters as they waited for bdnjfbdenk to take the stage.

bdnjfbdenk, though, had a surprise up his sleeve. Then-President Elect Barack Obama took the stage along with him, and delivered his historic “Speech on Gaming Media”. While his words are forever captured on YouTube and across the front pages of the nation’s news media, it’s important to remember his final message: 

“As President, one of my first acts in office will be to sign an executive order demanding renewed negotiations between UGO and 1up.com. In the meantime, I’m prepared to offer $15 billion in government money to bail out Area5.net’s new podcast. However, it’s important, as our friend bdnjfbdenk has reminded us all, to act for what we know is right as Americans. I advise everyone to renew their protests, and never to forget, that UGO.com has fired Shane Bettenhausen, and these actions will not stand.”

As the two parties returned to the table, rumors swirled about the results of their negotiation. bdnjfbdenk, courageously, continued his actions by staging a sit-in in the lobby of the Hearst Corporation’s building. He spent four days without ingesting food or water, before authorities forcibly removed him to a hospital, where he is currently still in intensive care. 

Today’s news came in the form of a simple statement from Hearst Media’s CEO, Frank Bennack, who said, “UGO will now relinquish its buyout offer to 1up.com. It has come to our attention that we are a bunch of fags, and that our stories are bullshit. We are all top 10 lists and cheesecake pictures, and 1up.com is perfect, and we never should have fired Shane.”

bdnjfbdenk remains in critical condition at a Washington, DC hospital. In the event of his death, legislation is pending to make his birthday a national holiday.

UPDATE: Upon receiving control of 1up.com once more, Ziff-Davis filed for bankruptcy and laid off all employees of 1up.com.

– sam


Filed under: Commentary, , , , , , , , ,

One Response

  1. Paul says:

    Little did we know that bdnjfbdenk was actually Shane’s GAF username.

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