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KANSAS TOWN STRUCK BY WINTER GAMES DROUGHT

Seneca's Local Gamestop

Seneca's Local Gamestop

Less than a month after Seneca residents woke to Christmas tress lined with the latest videogame hits, the town faces its most devastating games drought since the summer of 2002.

The winter games drought, which has left 548 people across 47 states game-less, with possibly 7 deaths, hit the small Kansas town Tuesday when a young college student was found dead outside a local Gamestop.

Clerks at the Gamestop report that the student, who officials have asked to keep anonymous until his family can be contacted, had entered the store around 11 AM, and fingered through used Gamecube titles before making reservations for spring releases. “By his fortieth reservation, I knew something was wrong,” said clerk Bobby O’Henry.

When asked why he did not stop taking reservations and contact authorities, O’Henry replied, “It’s my job.”

After making his sixtieth reservation, the student reportedly screamed “I can’t take it anymore” and drove a rolled up Game Informer through his eye, puncturing his brain.

The local crime investigation unit found the student’s dorm room unkempt—soiled sheets, Mountain Dew cans filled with urine and fingernails, copies of EDGE Magazine out of their plastic sleeves. Inside the student’s PS3, the investigation uncovered a Fallout 3 save file with over 103 hours logged.

“What did you expect,” said Sgt. Gabe Benson, the investigation’s point man, “No new games, for the boy to play. Just the same ones over and over and over and over and over.”

Since the horrific incident, pre-pubescent boys, lonely husbands and Seneca’s entire chapter of Sigma Phi have filled the area’s emergency rooms. Early field reports link the spike in ER traffic to both torn ACLs and agitated masturbation. Resident surgeon, Dr. Alice Penfield, presumed that, “Many Seneca residents, left without videogames, have relegated their free time to team sports and sexual self-experimentation.“

At Seneca City Hall’s weekly press conference, Mayor Jonathan Peabody seemed disappointed with the town’s ill preparedness. Earlier this year, months of town hall meetings, hand-wringing and debate on potential citywide game drought safety measures fell flat when all drought fail-safes were extracted from the annual budget to make room for Wii accessories. “Seneca’s citizens refused to think ahead, now look where we’re at,” said the Mayor. “May Wii Music play them little violins.”

While some Senecans seemed hopeful that a new broadband pipeline (paid for by Seneca’s recent gambling legislature) would stream in much needed high quality downloadable content, most folks have remained pessimistic.

“Don’t sell me horse armor and tell me its flowers,” said Abe Neville, an assistant manager at the town’s Salvation Army. “And free games? I’d rather suffer through this drought than speedrun “Doritos Dash of Destruction. Phooey.”

This morning, City Hall asked families to stock up on retro and import titles. “Find something that can get you through this trying time,” said Mayor Peabody, “Like a fighter or a shmup, “

All well wishes and donations for the anonymous student can be sent to The Game Drought Relief Fund located online at Hardcasual.net

Seneca Community College Student Center will hold a candle light vigil for the anonymous student at dusk this evening. The vigil will then march ten blocks south to the Pappi’s Pizza Arcade, where the student once held a high-score on Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles under the alias ASS.

plante

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this is a blog about video games by chris plante, sam ryan and chris littler.


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