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You take games too seriously.

PARENT KILLER 64 HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH ME KILLING MY PARENTS

pk64-copy

To:
Hardcasual Readers

From:
Jeffrey Powers
Albion Correctional Facility
3595 State School Road
Albion, NY 14411

Man, I am sick of people blaming video games for all of the world’s problems. It seems like every time a kid does something crazy, people  spit out the same tired argument about how we need to curb video game violence or else we’re going to end up raising a nation of psychopaths. It’s ridiculous. I said it at my trial and I’ll say it again:

Parent Killer 64 had nothing to do with me killing my parents.

Yes, I played Parent Killer 64 the night I shot them. I never denied that this was the case. But you people keep trying to force connections where there are none. I mean, Christ, haven’t you ever heard of a coincidence?

Thanks to your protests and op-ed articles, the warden won’t even let me have a PSP. Thanks, guys. My life isn’t shitty enough without you right-wing first-amendment-hating pansy dickheads interfering. Maybe I should lay it all out for you and hope it sticks this time.

First off, Parent Killer 64 totally blows, so banning it in the continental United States was completely unnecessary. Talk about a piece of worthless legislation. Listen, the only reason I played it was because my trailer-trash cousin Richie could only afford shit from the bargain bin, so when he brought it over – not knowing that it was like ten years old and probably sucked back when it was released – I humored him, because that’s the kind of guy I am. So we fired up the old 64 and played a few levels while we waited for the pizza delivery guy. The graphics were shitty, the sound design muddy, and – now speaking from experience – it pales in comparison to the real deal.

The prosecution at my trial tried to make it sound like I was inspired by a video game. Sorry, are the millions of kids who play Halo strapping on rocket packs and joining the space army? No. They aren’t. Do you want to know why? Because video games don’t have that effect on people. Look at the studies. Driving games don’t make kids want to go out and drive, fighting games don’t make kids want to go out and fight, and parent-killing games don’t make kids want to go out and kill their parents. All they make us want to do is load another bowl, order a pizza, and keep doing what we’re doing.

It’s when people tell us what games we can or can’t play that our thoughts turn into murderous rage.

To put honest, I feel the whole ‘video games as motive’ argument belittles me. I’m a thoughtful person. I meditated on killing my parents for a long time before I shot them in their stupid faces, tossed their bodies into the trunk of my Gallant, and drove it into the river.

Did I overreact a little? Yes. I see that now. But you tell me what I could have done differently under those circumstances. I was a growing teenage boy who wanted his own large cheese pizza with twisty cinnamon sticks. That was it. But they said I couldn’t have my own pizza AND my own order of cinnamon sticks. It wasn’t like they couldn’t afford it. They were just being pricks.

Give me a little credit, people. And give video games a little less.

Stop sending the warden letters,
Jeff

littler

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this is a blog about video games by chris plante, sam ryan and chris littler.


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