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You take games too seriously.

BREAKING: NEW GAMES JOURNALISM DEAD AT AGE 27

He Did Not Go Gentle Into That Goodnight

He Did Not Go Gentle Into That Goodnight

HARDCASUAL.NET
NEW YORK, NY

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

A child prodigy that, by the age of twelve, had skyrocketed to the top of his class at Colgate with a BA in Philosophy and a minor in Hellenic Studies, New Games Journalism entered his teenage years seemingly destined for greatness.  But destiny had other plans. New Games Journalism sunk into a post-graduation depression, and, within weeks of collecting his diploma, moved back in with his adopted parents, Hardcasual.

Over the following months, New Games Journalism resigned himself to Hardcasual’s basement, rarely making public appearances accept for the occasional concert at Jerry’s Bait Shop with his garage band, Hot Tears of Shame. The band gained moderate notoriety with the sophomore album “Fuck You Luddites, I’m Dissonant,” but fizzled into obscurity shortly after New Games Journalism famously impregnated the merch girl on the band’s Maximum Risky Tour.

However, New Games Journalism did find popularity and minor-stardom online. He developed a passion for writing thanks to High School the Musical slash fiction. Aware that the industry paid top dollar, he became a blogger, and, eager to impress Hardcasual, he focused his craft on videogames.  His first post, “It Gave Me Pause: Metal Gear Solid 4, Pinter and the Start Button” led him to immediate success.

Sadly, his place amongst the Kieron Gillen’s and N’Gai Croal’s wasn’t enough. Friends say he grew easily irritable, desperate for an extra 300 or 400 hits.  Many held his parents accountable, but MTV’s  Stephen Totilo, in an interview with Gamasutra, vouched that Hardcasual took every opportunity to provide New Games Journalism with physical and mental health support. “Even going so far as to add New Games Journalism to their Blog Roll if he promised to post more regularly and kick an addiction to uppers,” said Mr. Totilo.

At a recent Funde Razor, Adam Rosenberg, a friend of Hardcasual, spoke on the parents behalf: “New Games Journalism liked to divide and conquer those guys. One time I saw him pull Chris aside and say, ‘You know me better than the rest. They think they know me, but they don’t know the real New Games-Fuckin’-Journalism.’ When asked about this incident, Leigh Alexander of SexyVideoGameLand offered a mini anecdote, “Last January, Chris told Sam his recent post on The Sexual Implications of Mario Galaxy wouldn’t meet New Games Journalism’s standards; that’s when I knew things had to change.”

On August 15th, 2008, New Games Journalism was found in a men’s restroom in Sun City, Utah hustling for a Kotaku link. A week later, on August 21st, 2008, New Games Journalism was taken in by Prince Alwaleed Bin Talal Alsaud, Hardcasual’s key benefactor, and moved to Prince Alsaud’s home in Saudi Arabia.

From abroad, New Games Journalism occasionally wrote freelance, though no longer about videogames. Most recently, Hardcasual, as a symbol of their lasting affection, posted his 1500 word essay “Art, Fart and Paul Blart,” which drew parallels between the abstract expressionist Mark Rothko and Kevin James’ on-screen bowel movements.

Friday, a neighbor of Prince Alsaud spotted New Games Journalism unconscious at the bottom of his swimming pool in Saudi Arabia. Paramedics declared New Games Journalism dead upon arrival. Police suspect no foul play, but believe a swimming pool suction entrapment is to blame.

In addition to his parents, Hardcasual, New Games Journalism is survived by his son, Newer Games Journalism. Please leave your condolences and fond memories in the comments section below.

plante

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Filed under: Commentary

5 Responses

  1. theshapeofthetree says:

    There are no words to express my profound sense of loss.

    Yes, we had our differences – I’m sure most of you recall our public spats on this very website over Israel’s nuclear arsenal and Bioshock’s barely-there endboss – but I respected the hell out of New Games Journalism, and I believe, in my heart, that New Games Journalism enjoyed our talks.

    The important thing to remember is that our generous benefactor, Prince Alwaleed Bin Talal Alsaud, was in no way involved with this sad turn of events.

    I hope you’ve found what you were looking for, old friend.

    Littler

  2. Sam Ryan says:

    I’ll never forget the first time New Games Journalism turned to me in the midst of a Super Mario Kart match and said, “What do you think Toad has to say about gender politics?”

    Now that he’s gone, I hope Newer Games Journalism can get over his habit of making lists of “Best Videogame Sex Scenes” and drastically inflating his pageviews.

  3. Anon says:

    PROFESSIONAL PC GAMING JOURNALISM IS DYING!

    You heard it here first!

  4. Chris says:

    Non-joke / Knee-jerk opinion:

    I think PC game journos tend to be the best.

  5. […] New Games Journalism movement, and take a look at where it went. As a wonderfully tongue-in-cheek article over at Hardcasual.net parodies, it is becoming obvious that we produced a dysfunctional and narcissistic child. While I cannot […]

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this is a blog about video games by chris plante, sam ryan and chris littler.


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"BEST OF HUMOUR... Hardcasual is the magic mirror for gamers who aren’t afraid to laugh at themselves, and each other."
- Gaz Deaves, Video Games Records Manager, Guinness Book of World Records

"I liked Hardcasual when it was serious. Then they made a joke about me and turned into a comedy site. Now I like them even more... These guys are like The Onion of video games."
- Stephen Totilo, MTV Multiplayer Blog
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