You take games too seriously.

Exclusive Details on Michael Phelps: The Game

Feel His Pain

Michael Phelps: Feel His Pain


A lot of people are scared about the future of the games industry these days, what with companies shutting down left and right and even the mighty EA unable to make its earning estimates. But today, in a ray of light from heaven, came a message from the Baltimore Sun (you know, those loveable guys from The Wire) that salvation has arrived for all of us:

It was probably inevitable: Michael Phelps, video game star. The Olympic swimmer is teaming with 505 Games to launch a Phelps-themed game in the spring of 2010, the Baltimore Sun reports. Swimming will play a role, but it won’t be the main event. Beyond that, the game-maker is not revealing details, except to add: “This is a pure action game.” (source)

The games industry is saved!

You might be a little confused, though, as to what exactly is going on here. Swimming “won’t be the main event”? Luckily, we have a source deep in 505 Games that has released some details on the many other trials that Michael Phelps will be going through in his upcoming game.

OLYMPIC VILLAGE CREEPIN’: In this stealth action segment, you flashback to Michael Phelps’ nights in the Olympic Village. While draconian Olympic rules keep outsiders from visiting the Village, Michael Phelps has never met a rule he couldn’t break – especially not for a gaggle of barely-legal Chinese fangirls.

Metal Gear Solid meets VIP Escort in this white-knuckle thrill ride. You think it’s hard to hide a chain-smoking Old Snake through a warzone? Try hiding Michael Phelps’ 12 foot wingspan behind the Olympic Village McDonald’s trashcans – and the three or four dancers from the opening ceremony who are gonna give him a gold medal performance of their own.

Special cameo from Ryan Lochte as the cock-blocking teammate – he’s recorded over 100 lines of dialogue, including “Hey, ladies, look, I won some medals too!” and “C’mon, Phelps, I’ll take the ugliest one!” 

Three more extra-special modes after the break.

SNL PERFORMIN’: If you missed Michael Phelps’ performance on Saturday Night Live this year, you missed a barn-burner of acting talent. That’s why 505 Games has included a whole campaign where you can relive every stuttering line, flubbed cue, and vacant stare that marked that night as one for the history books.

Imagine the gameplay from PaRappa The Rappa as you hit buttons in time with cue cards to deliver stilted, half-funny lines. In the most stressful hour and a half of your life, you’ll nearly snap the controller in half as you struggle to see exactly what that next line was – and when you were supposed to hit the button.

Between skits, there’s even a minigame, where you weep uncontrollably, wondering how you ever got stuck in this embarrassing hell, while you have to use both analog sticks to get dressed for your next skit!

BIG EATIN’: Admit it, Major League Eating: The Game didn’t whet your appetite (HA, SEE WHAT I DID THERE) for big eating fun. And as the story du jour of the Olympics told us, Michael Phelps eats almost 12,000 calories a day

So – are you ready for some real fun? Our eating mini-game consists of tapping X repeatedly, for roughly an hour and a half, as you eat increasingly disgusting concoctions designed to fill your body with enough carbohydrates and calories to push you through another hellish day of Olympics training.

Achievements unlock every time you cross the number of calories someone in a central African country eats in a year. Because Michael Phelps cares. 


– swr


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2 Responses

  1. coffee says:

    there are a lot more productive issues the media could be covering than Michael Phelps smoking pot a year ago

  2. KC Sponge says:

    And don’t forget the Bong Water Sports extras . . . its not swimming, but it’ll help inspire you to consume the extra calories needed.

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