You take games too seriously.

HARDCASUAL EXCLUSIVE: Activision CEO Writes Satan Over “Dante’s Inferno”



From: Bobby Kotick (ceo@activision.com)
To: Satan (sexy_dark_lord6969@hotmail.com)
Subject: WTF SATAN?!?!?!?!?!

Satan, ol’ buddy ol’ pal, we’ve got some things to discuss. 

I know you’ve been good to me in the last year. One of the finalists for Market Watch’s CEO of the Year. Soaring revenues, while those smarmy punks at EA are getting their balls vasectomied by a blunt Mirror’s Edge. The blood sacrifices I made to get Guitar Hero: On Tour on the NPDs for a few months.

But what the fucking fuck is the fuck up with you signing on with those Electronic Arts pansies for this “new IP” they’re calling Dante’s Inferno?

That shit is right up our alley. That shit is Activision, born and bred, and you’re fucking us. Fucking us right up our asses, with a hot poker. Oh, wait, I can’t even say that, because apparently that’s something that happens in a circle of hell. A circle of hell that you SOLD TO EA in this Faustian Bargain you call a 2009 tentpole release.

It’s not enough that you let your humble servants Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr sell their rights to Rock Band, in exchange for the people of Earth still thinking that the Beatles are more than just elevator music. No, you had to go and deliver a hot piece of multi-platform IP directly to the enemy, announced during the most satanic, despicable form of entertainment known to man, the 2008 VGAs, presented by Spike TV and Mountain Dew.

Let me state my case, after this break, which obviously I would put in any email, and clearly does not mark this as a work of satire.

  • YOU’RE ON OUR SIDE. We love you, man. Every time we go to the well for another half-assed revenue grab, we sacrifice a few goats, flay a few interns, and POW – Call of Duty: World at War has sold eleventy-bajillion copies, into the hands of the idiotic XBox Live players of the world.

    We couldn’t do it without you, and Lucifer only knows that you wouldn’t have half the idiotic hatespeak of the world if it weren’t for all the gay-baiting and racism we inspired with Call of Duty 4 multiplayer. Hell, we even let you try out your plan for Nazi Zombies in Call of Duty: World at War (turns out, it’s like Horde for morons, but what can we do?).

  • IT’S MONETIZABLE. You love DLC. We love DLC. Everybody loves making some cash, man. And Dante’s Inferno? So money, baby. Think about it: Virgil’s leading you into the third circle, where there’s a ton of kickass user-created wailing and moaning. But if you really want to check it out, or contribute your own wails, BAM. $2.99 a month to Activision, cocksucker.

    You want to hear some gluttons eternally force-fed cake and chocolate milk? I don’t know what else XBox Live microtransactions were made for, broseph.

  • SEQUEL POTENTIAL. This Dante kid, he had some real spunk. Three books? EA thinks small, with this whole “Dante’s Inferno” business. We’d kick it into high gear. “ACTIVISION PRESENTS: THE DIVINE ASSKICKING: PART I: THE INFERNO: CIRCLES 1-3: THE RECKONING: KICKASS ON TOUR”.

    We get three games out of the Inferno. Maybe two out of Purgatorio – seems rife for an MMO, we’re talking to Blizzard. And Paradisio? Well, come on, man. You like kicking God’s ass? We’re here to do that for you. In game form. You hit God’s weak point for Massive Fucking Damage. We’re already in talks with Richard Dawkins as the Cole Train to your Marcus Fenix. 

So seriously, Satan, what’s the deal? I didn’t let my wife get violated repeatedly to bear your child, the Bringer of Darkness To This World, just so you could screw me over like this.

Keep in touch, baby. 

Your broseph 4 eternal lyfe,

Bobby Kotick
Activision CEO

– swr


Filed under: Commentary, , , , , , , , , ,

3 Responses

  1. Alex says:

    I see no mentions of in-game advertising, even though Dante obviously recharged with a Whopper every couple minutes.

  2. […] HARDCASUAL EXCLUSIVE: Activision CEO Writes Satan Over “Dante’s Inferno” « H… "You want to hear some gluttons eternally force-fed cake and chocolate milk? I don’t know what else XBox Live microtransactions were made for, broseph. " Hardcasual, I love you. (tags: games humour funny ea bobbykotick harcasual activison dantesinferno ) […]

  3. Yegwa says:

    Obviously EA cut Satan a better deal. An image improvement in the eyes of players in exchange for…er…our eternal souls every time we upload time trial scores on Mirror’s Edge?

    Plus, I would like to know whether Satan’s PR peeps have responded to this alleged email.

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