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SIX IDEAS ON HOW HARMONIX CAN MAKE ROCK BAND 3 MORE LIKE BEING IN AN ACTUAL ROCK BAND

Put the Rock Back in Rock Band

Put the Rock Back in Rock Band

1. 6. EVERYONE HATES THE SINGER

Let’s face it. Every band’s lead singer, no matter how modest or humble his beginnings, morphs into an unrecognizable douchepaddle by the time the third album rolls out. So how can Rock Band 3 reflect this transformation? How about having the lead singer inexplicably wander onto stage forty-five minutes late at select venues, then force him to read a misinformed political speech during the opening riff of Baba O Riley? Or, better yet, make it so no one can pick up their little plastic instruments without being treated to the sight of their frontman hawking Gap jeans during a commercial break for House? Viva Rock and Roll, my friends!

2. 5. YOUR SECOND ALBUM SUCKS

So the band is performing consistently well, turning out five-star performances to healthy-sized crowds across the globe. Then, without warning, people stop giving two shits about you, no matter how great your solos get. In fact, the better you play, the more they seem hate you. What happened? It looks like that lightning – or cocaine – you guys bottled to create that breakout album didn’t strike this time around and now suddenly everyone is convinced that your success was a fluke. Maybe the world wasn’t ready for a concept album about the Spanish Civil War. Career Mode: sometimes it’s over before it can start.

3. 4. YOU PLAY THE SAME STUPID SONGS YOUR ENTIRE CAREER

With Rock Band 2, Harmonix greatly expanded the selection of songs available to play. That’s great and all if you’re into variety and having fun, but if they seriously want to simulate the rock and roll lifestyle, maybe they should think about reeling it in a bit. After all, most bands have only one hit single, maybe two, and they spend the rest of their careers squeezing every last dollar out of them. Sure, the venue changes, but the set list doesn’t. If you want to rock like a rock star, get used to that song you wrote about that girl who blew you in the bathroom fifteen years ago. You’re going to be playing it until the day you die.

Completely the unholy hexagon of rock after jump…


4. 3. YOU HAVE TO ACTUALLY INTERACT WITH YOUR SHITTY FANS

With every show successfully played, Rock Band rewards you with two things: money and fans. But to a true rock star, fans are a heavy burden. So what if they buy your records and go to your shows? That doesn’t make up for a lifetime of signing autographs for drunk assholes or getting your picture taken every time you pick up some chicken fajitas from the neighborhood Chili’s. To implement this facet of rockdom into gameplay, Harmonix ought to add a minigame where you have to sign an autograph for every fan you made in career mode, all while mashing enough buttons to keep that shit-eating grin on your face.

5. 2. A LOT MORE DRUGS

Rock Band 2 does a lot of things great, but somewhere in the transition from stage to screen, the most important facet of true rock was left by the wayside: mountains upon mountains of blow. C’mon, Harmonix, who are you trying to kid? Going on stage sober is a fool’s game. If you’re going to let me choose which shitty phaser effect I have on my guitar during solos, you ought to let me pick out what shady character I’m scoring my daily heroin fix from.

6. 1. THE DRUMMER DIES

Joining a rock band is a risky choice for anyone. Overdoses, plane crashes, and sometimes a weird mixture of both make it hard for a working rocker to survive. But if anyone has the odds stacked against him, it’s the drummer. No other instrument leads to as much self-destruction as the drum kit. Rock Band 3 ought to put a timer in the corner that slowly ticks towards zero, making it abundantly clear that from the moment the drummer sits down, it’s only a matter of time before Death comes to claim him.

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3 Responses

  1. Ben Abraham says:

    You know… you guys forgot to mention “lead singer finds God”. Otherwise, I wholeheartedly endorse these points. =)

  2. Robin says:

    You forgot about all the free coke and loose women.

    YOU GUYS ARE SO BIASED AGAINST ROCK BAND. GH FANBOY.

  3. This is pretty funny, but I prefer blog posts completely obscured by floating ads.

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