You take games too seriously.

No Chili Dogs Can Heal My Pain

What girl wouldn't want this for Christmas?

What girl wouldn't want this for Christmas?

Good morning, Chris. As you might have deduced from the emptied drawers and excavated closets, I’ve finally chosen to leave you. No doubt, this comes as a shock as you’ve always been a bit dull.

Funny, finally getting that off my chest, it recalls the many (MANY) miserable times you were just so gosh darn dull.

Like whatabout that time you took me to the cheap Italian restaurant on 3rd street for our three-year anniversary, and when the waiter pulled out the chair for me you sat down. You sat down in my chair. And then you farted and told everyone “I was a queefer.” Do you even comprehend why that’s both rude and strange?

But your recent actions are most despicable. It has become apparent that I no longer play a role in your daily routine. You may love me, Christopher, but you’ve chosen Dreamcast.

My heart is forever broken after the jump…

At first it wasn’t so bad. Heck, I even enjoyed the occasional trip through San Francisco in Crazy Taxi. And I won’t deny you the fact that Sonic Adventure is the last decent Sonic game.

But Soul Calibur has three sequels, Shenmue is no longer (nor was it ever) innovative, and NFL 2K2 cannot compare to Madden 08. Grow up.

Chris, it’s time for you to be honest with yourself: you suck at 2D fighters. Yes, I know you suck, because I can beat you. And don’t say that’s because the controls are broken, and don’t say I win because I button mash. I win because Storm/Cable/Cyclops make a solid team with protective anti-air combat, a strong core, and a quick battery. You lose because you choose Wolverine, Strider, and Ryu off appearance.

Who are we kidding, Chris? I’ve been seeing someone else. Other Chris. He’s a respectful man, and very funny. You know that already because his posts always get the most hits.

Feeling inadequate, yet?

Other Chris treats me well. He has an Xbox 360—that system you were too cheap to buy us. He buys me games. New games. Nice games that I can show off to my girlfriends, and they all say, boy, I wish I had a boyfriend like Other Chris.

He doesn’t buy me used games from some tonkatsu-smelling Japanese corner shop in Chinatown. Nor does he download them off the internet and burn them to a CD-R.

He doesn’t play Beats of Rage just because it’s homebrew.

Other Chris treats me right. We got to Best Buy and they carry the products we want. We play with other friends. You had me convinced I could play with only four at a time, but you were holding me back from bigger and better things—like 16 person multiplayer.

Which brings me to my reason for dissolving our relationship. I’m sorry, but his games are bigger than yours. They have better control, they last longer, and, unlike yours, they’re smooth, not crooked and blocky. I know, I told you your games are smooth and big, but they’re not. They’re crooked and blocky and short. And rarely do I even feel like playing them to the end.

Oh, and you’ll love this. He just bought a camera for the 360. Sometimes we go online and play together in front of everyone. But I shouldn’t get into it. Let’s just say we’re in the movies. ;)

May your life be spent between fugly Shmups,



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3 Responses

  1. Ouch. I would have stopped reading after she dissed Shenmue, were I the boyfriend, but since I’m not, it only stung a little.

    (btw, Shenmue is awesome, but buying a Dreamcast at full price two months before they stop production is not)

  2. Robin says:

    Your code is showing. Would this count as a wardrobe malfunction?

  3. Chris Plante says:

    Thank you, Robin. For a moment, I felt so exposed.

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this is a blog about video games by chris plante, sam ryan and chris littler.

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