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The Cliffster’s Badass Plan to Fix New Games Journo

Here to Kick Ass and Save Games Journalism

Cliffy B: Here to Kick Ass and Save Games Journalism

How did I, Cliff Blezinski, become CliffyB? Kitchen-squats. And when Cliffy B didn’t bed a dozen women a night, what’d he do? Juiced pheromones out of dominant apes and slurped them like a friggin Diet Soda.

Cliffy B takes action. So when folks get upset about New Games Journalism, the Cliffster fixes it. He fixes it because he cares. He fixes it and runs twenty miles to tame his gluts and then he fixes it again.

Here’s the Cliffster’s badass plan.

The Cliffster’s Badass Plan to Fix New Games Journo in Ten Really Friggin Easy Steps:

10.) The Friggin Secret: No secret that if you want something like say a thoughtful feature or sweet exclusive you just have to envision it as a reality. When I decided to become a super-duper-megastar I painted a mural on my living room wall of myself standing atop a mountain top made of platinum ice. I had a goblet in one hand, a babe in the other, and, across my chest, a necklace of elf ears. Since then, I’ve secured two out of those three items. I’m sure you minions can guess which two.*

9.) Perk Up or Shut Up: Demand your boss pay you appropriately. Studies run by the Cliff Institute of Kickassology show that journos work harder when they get a fair deal. Don’t have a boss? Fine, The Cliff’s your Boss now. For every blog post you’ll get a gold lancer. For every blog post about Dude Huge you’ll get a Lambo.

8.) Read Thy Neighbor: Plenty of great games writers both big and small. Read them. Support them. The favor shall be returned. So Cliffy has said. So it shall be.

7.) Save the Trash Talk for Horde Mode: No need to pick on your fellow bros, Broseph. Let the journos be journos, and journo all day about journo stuff. If you think they care too much about Mega Man 9’s retro revival, or that shooting zombies in RE5 can be seriously whack, that’s fine. Dag yo, they might completely misunderstand GoW 2’s Garden State-esque narrative. But that’s their own shit-factory to work through.

Still want to fight ‘em? Cool, but let me recommend you two punk it out in some “horde to the gorde” multiplayer (preferably in a game that has guns equipped with chainsaws! Vrrrm-mm-m, amirite?!).

6.) Don’t Prognosticate Too Fast and Make a Gooey Mess: We all know a game generally gets like four months of hype and then the bash fest starts, but don’t hate because you want to be the first to backlash, srsly. It may be hard for you little minions to believe, but The Cliffster has plenty of experience with this problem. Sometimes people—angry people that deserve a Cliffy chop—tell me, “Cliffy, everybody else may think your games are cool, but I don’t like your games because they’re stupid.”

That’s dumb. My games are sweet. Everyone likes them. And even if my games weren’t perfect (they are), only lameos hate something just because other peeps like it. If you got to hate the Cliffy, then give thoughtful and insightful reasons why you personally hate the Cliffy. Capiche?

Cliffy dishes out the the top 5 friggin killer tips to save New Games Journalism after the jump…

5.) Express Yourself: So, hot shot, you’ve sat down to bash out a killer review that’s going to make you the next friggin Junot Diaz, but you’re shooting mad blanks because this game you’ve got to critique is not as easy-peasy to thoughtfully criticize as, say, Dude Huge’s latest friggin masterpiece. Don’t cut corners by simply jotting down the bullet points on the back of the box.  Think your review through to the max. Then think it through again. Figure out why and how this game impacted you or why and how it left you wanting more.

Here’s a personal example: In Gears 2, when you have that daydream about Maria, that’s impactful shit. It definitely takes the drama over the top, and makes Gears 2 bigger, badder, and more tear jerkier than Gears 1. Like You Got Mail did for Sleepless in Seattle.

In your review, you want to mention a moment like that flashback or any other moment that moved you positively or negatively. Say something like, “My favorite thing used to be a hot roast beef sandwich immediately following coitus, but now it’s totally the Maria side story in the Gears  campaign. Maria and Dom have a bond so strong diamonds can’t cut it. Not even diamonds with lasers and shit. I love it because…” OK, that’s rough, but you get the point. If something effects you, speak the frack up.

Also, if the game’s stale and bland and dumb that doesn’t mean you need to be stale and bland and dumb. Nor does it mean you should be needlessly cruel. Use a negative review to show some kindhearted wit and personality. It works for Ebert, and look at him. Dude doesn’t travel by Lambos; dude friggin takes honeys to six star dinners by jet pack.

4.) Treat Words Like Lovers, Be Picky: If you don’t choose your words carefully you will piss off readers and they will leave unproductive comments like “U R MR GAY.”  Even if you are Mr. Gay, which is totally fine, you want a discussion in the comments, not aggressive statements.

For example, say a journo writes, “I think CliffyB’s friggin neat and he does neat stuff.” In reality, the journo knows I’m fan-friggin-tastic, I have perfect hair, and I make for a solid best friend. Now, don’t be verbose, but try to express yourself entirely and concisely with charm and wit. And if you’re lucky, your readers will want to be your friggin best friend too.

3.) Stand Up to The Dude: When it comes to reviews, nobody gives a score, but you. Not an ad firm, not the fans. You. (And sometimes me. I like to grade myself. In the mirror.) Express how you personally feel, not how you think you should feel. Don’t let hype, previews and other journos’ opinions effect your score.  It’s all you, dude. Er, Dude You!

2.) Try Out My Kick Ass Moccasins: Man, it takes so long to make a game. It’s srsly tuff and ruff work. And not everyone who makes a game gets Lambos—sad, but true. Heck, some don’t even get honeys. So when you review, consider all the blood and sweat and other manly and girly stuff these dudes and dudetttes put into the product. Give the game a fair shake. You know, like the doctor does in a sports physical. Kidding. What can I say, I’m in it for the LOLs.

1.) Ignore The Dude Huge: What do I know? Listen up Brosephs and Brosephines, just because people make Cliffy-shrines and Cliffy-statues don’t make me a friggin God. Not yet.

You want to write a good review, write what feels right for you. Not for anyone else. Not even for the Dude. If you write well and with passion and with care and with skill, the fans will come.

And I would know, dude, because that’s how I make my games.

Cliffster out.

• For the uninitiated, I have the goblet and elf ears.

(Obviously, this was in no way written by Cliff Blezinski, nor does it represent his opinion.)

ctp

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33 Responses

  1. Christian says:

    Absolutely brilliant.

  2. Snorre says:

    Amazing post, thanks.

  3. Huh, huh says:

    U R MR GAY

  4. Sam Ryan says:

    This obviously wasn’t written by Cliffy – there’s no ridiculous platforming section stuck in at around point number five!

  5. Tom Armitage says:

    Damnit Sam, you know the platforming section comes around point number eight. It’s the vehicle section that comes in at point number five.

    CliffyB, you can be my Broseph any day.

  6. J. Chobot says:

    This post was simply amazing.

    (Thanks for the Maria spoiler though :P)

    Jk. I already knew about it. And, in all seriousness I shed a tear with the whole Maria storyline wrap-up.

    That’s right! The Cliffy’s storytelling was so compelling and powerful it managed to force a squeak of emotion out of my frozen heart! That’s how friggin’ powerful he is (for the non-believers).

    Enjoyed it!

    kthnxbye,
    Jessica

  7. Leigh says:

    Here’s where my eyes turn to hearts <3_<3

  8. Alex says:

    My inner Cliff says that he would title this “The Blezinski New Games Journalism Cliffstitution” or “The Blezinski Cliffstitution on New Games Journalism.”

  9. Yegwa says:

    Copied. Pasted. Printed. Hung on wall.

    *cries*

  10. […] returns with a bang, as CliffyB explains how to save games journalism: “How did I, Cliff Blezinski, become CliffyB? Kitchen-squats. And when Cliffy B didn’t bed […]

  11. Tim E says:

    CliffyB AM NOT MR GAY.

    Good work.

  12. Alex McLarty says:

    VIP!

    Let’s do some damage! VIP STYLE!

  13. Matt says:

    Oh man, I read all of this under the pretense that CliffyB was the guy who made Kudos and Democracy (etc).

    I now need to completely re-think my outlook on life.

  14. DLZ says:

    Cripes.

    Another day, another Dude HUEG grandstand. At least now I can be sure that you’re just kidding.

    Anyway, liked Gears. Liked Gears 2. One piece of advice, though. PLEASE stick to what you know. The Maria, Carmine and Tai scenes were… they were bad, Mr. Hueg.

    You make decent shooters. You don’t write decent storylines. Leave Metal Gear to Kojima, damn.

  15. Charles K. says:

    Does this guy’s ego ever take a break?

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  17. Vyce says:

    @DLZ: Yeah. Good storylines.

    NANOMACHINES.

    This article made me a believer. Wanna me mah Broseph?

  18. I was seriously hoping during the entire read-through that he’d become unhinged and this wasn’t satire.

  19. […] The Cliffs&#116er’s Badass Plan &#116o Fi&#120 New Games Journo [Hardcasual] […]

  20. […] &mdash; this piece is definitely good for a read, as are several of their more recent pieces. The Cliffster’s Badass Plan to Fix New Games Journo […]

  21. […] Mr. Gay, which is totally fine, you want a discussion in the comments, not aggressive statements.Hardcasual Permalink|Comments RSS Feed – Post a comment|Trackback […]

  22. DLZ says:

    @Vyce

    I didn’t say I liked MGS4’s story, I said that Kojima knows how to present a cinimatic storyline.

    Invest in a reading comp class and possibly a spell checker. And quit reading spoiler summaries and actually play a game before you try and make witty quips about it.

    Class dismissed.

  23. Bezzy says:

    Actual conversation I had with Cliff in 1999:

    I want to be a game designer when I grow up.
    Hahahahahaha
    Oh wait, you’re serious?
    :(

    My entire career is a revenge quest.

  24. Bezzy says:

    Ahrgh, formatting.

    Bezzy: I want to be a game designer when I grow up.
    CliffyB: Hahahahahaha
    CliffyB: Oh wait, you’re serious?
    Bezzy: :(

  25. Leigh says:

    uh. guys. cliff didn’t — nevermind!

  26. sirtmagus says:

    The best advice I’ve read in years. I will take it to heart, DUDE HUEG!!!

  27. UTFan says:

    How about not shit talking the pc and fucking off to consoles?

  28. David Macphail says:

    You know…..i wouldn’t have known this WASN’T written by Cliffy B if it wasn’t for the declaration at the bottom of the article.

    Cliffy B – “You will NEVER see Gears Of War on the PS3! Want to know why? Because my team isn’t smart enough to develop for it…………….”

  29. […] Hardcasual’s Impomptu Get-togethers « Hardcasual Wow, Hardcasual.net is back with a vengeance – lots of cheeky posts, I particularly liked the CliffyB NGJ gag one. […]

  30. Vyce says:

    @DLZ:

    NANOMACHINES. THEY EXPLAIN EVERYTHING THAT WOULDN’T OR COULDN’T MAKE SENSE OTHERWISE.

    Me? I didn’t play it, but two friends of mine are ardent fans of the series, and have told me the whole story time and time again. Even they joke about the nanomachine thing.

    And I suggest you take your own advice, Mr. “cinimatic”.

    Cinematic does not necessarily mean “good”. It just means that the storyline fits well or is well enough portrayed to be a film.

    You speak of reading Comp., but obvious joking aside, the author of this article has a big point on Game Journalism, yet you dismiss it as “grandstanding”.

  31. Josh says:

    Cliffy B is an egotistical prick with a fan following that can only be seen in the likes of Halo fanboys. I think a more appropriate title for him would now be Master Chief. Epic crapped on the PC community too many times and Cliff likes to make us all out to be game thieves. I think the fake Cliffy did a wonderful job capturing the real Cliffy’s over inflated ego. Does anyone know if Epic will give me a refund for Unreal Tournament III?

  32. […] The Cliffster’s Badass Plan to Fix New Games Journo « Hardcasual (tags: writing games videogames journalism parody) […]

  33. […] The Cliffster’s Badass Plan to Fix New Games Journo [Hardcasual] […]

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