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Hardcasual.

Mr. Emmerich being a douche.

WASHINGTON D.C. – Dr. Hal Emmerich, better known as “Otacon” from the Metal Gear Solid series, is ruining the new Star Trek movie for everyone in his theater by refusing to turn off his codec.

“Snake. Psst. Snake,” Otacon said during the opening credits. “Guess where I am, Snake. Just guess. That’s right. I’m watching Star Trek. Yeah, the J.J. Abrams one. Do you need to save or anything? Because for the next to hours I’m going to be having my mind blown.”

Despite angry audience members telling him to ‘turn off your fucking walkie talkie’, Otacon continued to communicate with super-spy Solid Snake throughout the film.

“Holy shit, Snake. You’ll never guess what happened. No, no. I’m not going to spoil anything. I promise. Actually, this kind of reminds me of the time you were fighting that Native American dude in that tank. Remember that? Hold on, some jerk is throwing popcorn at me.”

After the film, Hardcasual met with a few of the audience members who had their movie watching experience completely ruined.

Jeanine Purrey, a Star Trek fan for over twenty years, is considering taking legal action against the government. “It’s ridiculous. I mean, I’m glad that we have people like him to keep us safe from giant nuclear-missle-launching robots, but that doesn’t give him the right to bring his work into a packed movie theatre. At one point, I guess he thought his friend was dead, and just kept shouting at the top of his lungs for like two minutes.”

Frank and Linda Corbin, a married couple who rarely get a chance to go on a date, are less impressed with the theater staff, who refused to take action against Mr. Emmerich.

“My husband talks to the manager, says, Hey there’s this guy in our theater who keeps blabbing on his cell phone. The manager comes into our theater, takes one look at the guy and skedaddles. Ridiculous.”

“We’re never coming back to this place again,” Mr. Corbin added.

Hardcasual asked Wai Sun, the theater manager, why he seemed to be giving Mr. Emmerich special treatment.

“Are you kidding me? That guy is best friends with Solid Snake. I tried to kick him out once, the next day I woke up with a proximity mine on my pillow. He can do whatever the hell he wants.”

Littler

ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA – OPINIONS – Man, this has been a crazy week for videogames, right? But you’ve just been reading Kotaku, huh, poser, so why would you know? But you’re all like, oh, Totilo this, death of New Games Journalism that, but you have to really get it from the source. Oh, the source? Yeah, you should really be listening to my podcast.

Sure, I know you must have 10 or 12 games podcasts to listen to. Listen UP, Retronauts, Good Grief, and that’s just the shattered shell of post-rape 1Hearst. Sure, those guys are entertaining. They break down the news, they break down the opinions, they break down the reviews. They take what’s going on and they turn it into an entertaining but brief news-source. But that’s just in their first two hours. But what are they not offering? That’s right. Hour three.

That’s when you turn to my podcast. That’s right. “Ludology Wars Advance.”

Oh, but don’t turn our podcast off for those first two hours. Because, honestly, we haven’t gotten it all mic-checked. Or practiced. Because podcasting isn’t about that. Podcasting is about trying to get an exclusive preview via Skype with your bro who works at the QA for Wolverine. Not because the NDA expires then, but because he can’t afford broadband.

But after those first two hours, we get down to business. You know all your illusions about games? They’re shattered. Because it’s a business. That’s why we’re called “Ludology Wars Advance”. Also, you should buy a T-shirt. Seriously. They’re $14.95. CafePress puts out good stuff, it barely looks like it’s ironed on. Also, games are a business. And Kotaku sucks. I heard that from my bro. “Ludology Wars Advance” exclusive. But that’s just his opinion. We’re independent. Not like 1HEARST, those sellouts. They fired Shane.

Oh, shit? Has it been four hours? Rate us highly in iTunes, bros! Tune in next week. We’re gonna talk about how it’s hard to set up a group chat in iChat for 2 hours, then break open how independent games are, like, totally better than real games.

Shit, did we say real games? If we had a producer, we’d cut that shit out.

- sam ryan

Sephiroth dreads the F6 in Mozart's aria "Der Hölle Rache kocht in meinem Herzen"

MIDGAR, GAIA – White haired Final Fantasy icon and would-be destroyer of the planet Sephiroth is sick and tired of the cheesy rock opera music that seems to be following him around.

“Ever since I was thrown into that reactor core, I can’t seem to escape this awful music,” Sephiroth told Hardcasual in an interview at his Midgar residence. “It plays every time I get into an argument or a confrontation. The littlest things set it off. I hate it!”

Maive, a blind elderly woman who lets Sephiroth sleep on her couch in exchange for his protection against a neighborhood gang of rascals, says that the music helps her gauge Sephiroth’s mood. “He seems like such a nice boy, but he has quite a temper. Sometimes, when I ask him to tidy up his area or put his giant sword away, I hear the music start to play and I know he’s getting irritated. If it weren’t for that music, I’d probably have been run-through forty times over.”

Hardcasual accompanied Sephiroth to the King and Queen, a coffee shop he frequents to play chess. As he waited for friend, we talked a little about what life has been like for him ever since he was destroyed by Cloud Strife in the lifestream and inexplicably brought back to life several times.

“To be honest with you… I wish I would just stay dead. I know I’m the guy that everyone loves to hate, ever since I killed whats-her-face, but every time I come back, the music gets more dramatic and I grow another wing. What the fuck am I going to do with all these wings?” he asks, lifting his coat to reveal a mess of feathers beneath.

We waited in the King and Queen for two hours, but Sephiroth’s friend never came.

Sephiroth’s reputation is well known in Midgar, which makes it hard for him to find steady work. To make ends meet, the man who summoned meteor performs Wednesdays and Fridays at Bucky’s, a dive bar in Sector 7. Since he is unable to play any instruments, Sephiroth stands on stage until he is angered by a heckler, and then stands on stage in a fighting pose while the rock opera music plays for the bar patrons.

“It’s a living,” Sephiroth said after one such performance, looking off at a distant sunrise. He took out a handful of gil. “Let’s go blow this on hookers and materia.”

Littler

Officials say the death will "kill its trade-in value."

BOSTON, MA – NBA 2K9, this year’s standout NBA video game, was found dead Sunday morning mere hours after wrongly predicting the outcome of the Bulls-Celtics game 7.

While the cause of death is still under investigation, local officials suspect suicide. The video game disc was found in its master bedroom with a bullet wound to its main printable area.

“He’d made a few poor predictions in the past, but he never let it get to him,” said NBA Live 09, NBA 2K9’s considerably less-popular business rival, but long-time friend. “I mean we’re only as good as our coding. Take me for example, I couldn’t predict a playoff round if I had a gun to my head.”

“That was inappropriate. Please don’t quote me on that,” added NBA Live 09.

NBA 2K9 leaves behind its son, College Hoops 2K8, and wife, Top Spin 3.

“NBA 2K9 is in a better place now,” said College Hoops in a touching eulogy. “I like to think it’s in heaven with All-Pro Football 2K8.”

plante

There's never a tall enough ladder in this darn castle.

ENDGAME – Employees working at the evil overlord’s castle are concerned about what the brilliant flash of light emanating from highest tower and appearance of an ethereal digital clock ticking towards zero mean.

“I was refilling the hot lava moat when I heard a loud scream. It was really weird, because it, like, echoed over and over and over again,” said one foot soldier. “It was like, ‘Gah-gah-gah-gah-gah!’ Then there was this shrill sound, and the clock appeared.”

The clock, which is visible in every room, floats just out of reach of the custodial staff’s highest ladder. Attempts to shoot it down with a cannon have proved fruitless. The white numerals seem to consist of some ghostly matter, perhaps ectoplasm. Speculations as to what the clock is counting down to vary wildly. Some theorize that it’s how long until everyone gets a raise, others claim that it’s counting down to Take Your Daughter to Work Day.

“It’s really distracting,” said one necromancer, who was reanimating the corpses of feral wolves when the clock appeared. “I complained, so my boss went upstairs to His Highness’s chambers to get the scoop on what was going on. He said the door was barred shut and heard a lot of exposition coming from the other side.”

Some employees have contacted the local chapter of their union, The Minion Men. They claim that the ticking clock is a clear violation of union regulations. However, there isn’t enough time to organize a strike.

Though the evil overlord has made many an enemy in his attempts at world domination, his staff is confident that the bright light and ticking clock have nothing to do with a possible intruder.

“What, like some plucky young nobody could break through our defenses and get to the big guy without us knowing? Do I have to show you the statues with laser eyes again?” a giant skeleton troll told Hardcasual.

Before the possibility could be explored, the interview was cut short by a frenzied panic in the dining hall. The clock’s numerals had turned red and the castle was filled with tense, percussive action music.

Littler

Mr. Ho takes a load off while the Dreamcast is set up.

SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA – Further proof that lightning doesn’t strike thrice: a fat, ugly Korean named Jin Ho who has never touched a woman before failed to impress the judges of Britain’s Got Talent with his Crazy Taxi high score.

Mr. Ho, who is just over five foot tall and weighs well over two-hundred pounds, appeared before the judges with a Sega Dreamcast in his hands and asked that a television be wheeled onstage. While technicians scrambled to meet his requests, judge Simon Cowell staged an impromptu interview.

“What’re we going to be seeing from you today, Jin?”

“I’m gonna play Crazy Taxi for you,” Mr. Ho replied as a chair was placed for him onstage. Mr. Ho took a seat and fired up the console. “I’m gonna beat my own high score.”

Judges Simon Cowell, Amanda Holden, and Piers Morgan, as well as a confused and captivated audience at the Sydney Opera House, watched for six full minutes as Mr. Ho played through one of the hardest levels in the game without uttering a word.

“I’ve always wanted to play in front of a large audience,” Mr. Ho told interviewers before his turn on stage. “This is a talent that I have been nurturing for years, ever since Crazy Taxi came out in February, 2000. I’ve shown a few people – mostly family – and they don’t seem to understand how… hard it is to do what I’m doing. My hope is that smart people like Simon will recognize my high scoring ability and everyone will applaud and a girl will touch my [penis].”

Mr. Ho managed to beat his high score by well over two hundred points, possibly setting a world record for that level, but by then the audience had turned on him. Piers managed to quiet the crowd momentarily while he and the rest of the judges ripped Mr. Ho apart.

“Completely miserable,” Simon told Mr. Ho, “The worst I’ve seen. It seems we’ve opened a Pandora’s Box of hideously unattractive people who think they can find salvation on a television program. Well let me say this to you, Jin Ho, and to the entire viewing audience – it isn’t gonna happen. It just isn’t. Go back to your cave.”

Littler

In-Game Screenshot

REDWOOD CITY, CA – In order to redesign Dante’s Inferno as a page-by-page adaptation of the first part of Dante Alighieri’s The Divine Comedy, EA Redwood Studios has delayed the game to October 2010.

“We’ve listened to the fans,” said Jonathan Knight, Dante’s Inferno’s Executive Producer. “And what they want is a 45 hour allegorical cut scene.”

Knight promises a rigorously precise adaptation. All in-game text and dialogue will be in Dante’s 14th century Italian and the current third person view will be abandoned for the poem’s first person perspective. As for the game’s depressive charcoal-hued environments, they will now be populated with hundreds of NPCs players can look forward to researching at their local public library.

Knight  claims the game will include every bit of the book’s dense symbolism and historical context.  “We want players to question the merit of their state school English degree.”

To attract non-gamers familiar with the text, Dante’s move roster will be parsed to an intuitive three button attack system: observe, intellectually digest and emote as interior monologue. The three moves will work alone or strung together for a “Canto Combo.”

Possibly the most innovative design  choice is the developer’s plan to conceal load screens with a mini-game where players can connect a USB keyboard and write an undergraduate thesis on the illustrations of Gustave Dore.

“Our craftsmanship doesn’t stop with the original text. Or even the artwork. We’ve gone so far as to compile Aligheri’s complete works to create an AI that imitates the authors thoughts,” said Knight, proudly. “Some people say we can’t guarantee a definitive reading of this complicated allegory, those people haven’t met our cybernetic Dante.”

The folks at Redwood also understand the updated version of their game might alienate the core audience. That’s why they will offer a two mission Clift Notes edition for $10 on PSN and 800 Microsoft points on XBLA for gamers who forget or cannot be bothered to play Dante’s Inferno before their 5th period AP English midterm. Redwood plans to release $10 DLC packs for Purgatorio and Paradiso in time for finals.

“I guarantee fans will get exactly what they want,” said Knight. “Playing Dante’s Inferno will be a living hell.”

plante

CAMBRIDGE, MA – In a study released concurrently with Monday’s announcement that arcade fighting classic Marvel Vs. Capcom 2 would see re-release on Xbox Live Arcade and PSN this summer, MIT researchers announced that beta participants uniformly suffered from a new form of delusion. Dr. Raymond Ng summarized the results, saying, “We looked at players’ stated earlier abilities, and their abilities in observed testing, and found that the gap was often massive. Players seem to be unable to remember just how terrible they were at MvC 2.”

The results were surprising for many. Hardcasual editor Chris Plante bragged, “Oh, man. I can run that game. I used to hang out at the Chinatown arcade with a Servbot / Ryu / Carnage team that would completely own.” When told that Carnage was actually not a character in Marvel Vs. Capcom 2, Plante looked confused and absent-mindedly removed his shoes.

“This is the kind of behavior we see,” said Dr. Ng, “Among the truly delusional players. When their fond memories of these games are challenged, they become nearly catatonic. Really, most of these players were just mashing ‘fierce punch’ as hard as they could and occasionally pulling off a quarter-circle turn. Once they’re faced with online competition… Well, they may be in for a terrible shock.”

Similar research, released in the ramp-up to Super Street Fighter 2 Turbo: HD Remix, had revealed that many players remembered Street Fighter 2 as being “fun,” only to be shocked to realize that the game really was anything but that.

Dr. Ng and his team are preparing to begin a new study on Killer Instinct fans, examining the effects of nostalgia on the human brain’s ability to romanticize a completely forgettable fighting game.

- sam ryan

It's called a quarter, faggot!

LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA – The homeless man living outside the FamilyTime Arcade on Vermont Street wants the world to know that he has no use for tokens, and to please stop putting them in his change cup.

The man, who looks to be around fifty years old, with ratty bleached hair and large scar across his right cheek, told Hardcasual that his name is ‘Jesus Motherfuckin’ Christ’ and that he is trying to collect enough change to print his own version of the Bible. According to Mr. Christ, he has been on this corner for three years now and has no plans to relocate.

“Been here for so long, got all my stash spots around here, y’know? Never had no problem until goddamn video games came in. Fucker. Fucker puts gold shit in my cup. What am I s’posed to do with this? Goddammit!”

Mr. Christ told Hardcasual that he is a Vietnam veteran, as well as a veteran of both World Wars. That would make him over a hundred years old.

“I shot JFK,” he said, and then took out a switchblade and cut up a piece of beef jerky. Not a minute later, a group of teenagers walked by and threw tokens into his empty In N’ Out cup. Mr. Christ looked visibly upset, spitting on this reporter’s jeans.

“That guy is a menace,” said Yuna Qua, the owner of FamilyTime arcade. Mrs. Qua went on to tell a story about how Mr. Christ broke into her arcade and was caught by police performing sexual acts on an unplugged Silent Scope machine. “My customers hate him. That’s why they do it. It’s cruel, but there are a million other places he could hang out besides outside my store.”

Not true, according to Mr. Christ. “God called me. This is where I’m at, y’know? One a these days I’m gonna get a shovel and dig through the cement where you’re standing and come out in China. Then I’ll be fuckin’ king. I’ll be King Rape.”

Littler