On the weekends, HardCasual hands over their keys to friends. We encourage them to share their rants, raves, or groans about whatever they feel fit–the podium’s theirs. We only ask they stay on topic, don’t incite revolution, and vacuum the living room.
This week, a local NYC playwright and musician, Chris Littler, takes time away from the high arts to bless us with a revelation: Super Smash Bros. is the first Jukebox Game. If SVGL’s blasphemous SSBB comments made your blood boil, I warn you, beware. For what follows digs deep into the nether regions of Nintendo, Broadway musicals, and ABBA.
Proceed with Caution.
The Jukebox Video Game
Mr. Plante and I are currently trudging through the seemingly endless single-player mode of Super Smash Bros. Brawl. He does most of the grunt work. The camera follows him as he bounces around while I do my best to comprehend what the hell is happening on screen and stay alive.
Since the majority of my time is spent waiting to respawn, I have plenty of time to consider the big question that Subspace Emissary begs be asked of itself. Namely, WHAT IN HIGH HOLY SHITBALL ISLAND IS HAPPENING?
Why are Diddy Kong and Star Fox wandering the jungle, looking for a fight?
Oh. Then why are the two Earthbound leads (totally the same person) bouncing around a decrepit old zoo together?
I see. Ancient Wizard, you say? Okay, well who let Ganondorf, one of the most inept villains in videogame history (watch your back, Bowser!), run the villains new ramshackle bureaucracy? Were there always this many R.O.B.’s zipping around the world, and if so, who decided that an outdated Nintendo accessory would make an acceptable henchman? By my estimates, the Virtual Boy has a decade on R.O.B. Does that not count for anything?
Okay. You already knew that the game makes no sense, and maybe you’ve already come to terms with it. And, I admit, my own gut instinct was to shut up, plow through it, and forget the whole thing ever happened once everything that could be unlocked was unlocked.
But I can’t do that. I’ve got fingers to point.
See where the finger pointing leads after jump…
Filed under: Commentary, Login as Guest, Story Analysis , abba, chris littler, jukebox game, Login as Guest, musicals, plot, ssbb, Story
December 6 2008 • 4:35 pm 7
Left 4 Dead’s Tank Speaks Out
An Introspective Tank
Tank was at hospital last night punching car when puny survivors show up and set tank on fire. Maybe you no know, but fire hurt. Fire hurt bad. Why everyone try to set tank on fire, tank ask you. For wanting to punch car and mash brains between gigantic fingers? You no know tank. You no know his struggle.
You want to know why tank so mad? Tank mad because worldwide economic crisis.
Tank not always rip cement out of ground and throw at you. Tank once work at big office with paper and chair. Tank have diverse portfolio before infection. Tank always put money into tank’s savings. And now tank have tiny head and watch government flush tank’s retirement money down crapper.
Tank lose college savings for kids. But tank also punch kids to death.
IT ALL MAKE TANK SO ANGRY.
Tank no vote in election. Tank too busy writing ‘HELP’ on roof of building to vote. Tank no scared of much, but tank wary of big government, unless big government use helicopter to save tank when he stranded on roof. But that no happen.
Tank hear something. Puny humans?
No. Stupid Boomer.
(Sigh.)
Maybe he understand bailout.
-Chris Littler
Filed under: Commentary, Login as Guest , apocalypse, bill, college loans, debt, end days, francis, l4d, left 4 dead, louis, recession, stock market, tank, valve, zoey, zombies