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Filed under: Commentary

Otacon Ruining Star Trek Movie For Everyone

Otacon spoiler alert.

Mr. Emmerich being a douche.

WASHINGTON D.C. – Dr. Hal Emmerich, better known as “Otacon” from the Metal Gear Solid series, is ruining the new Star Trek movie for everyone in his theater by refusing to turn off his codec.

“Snake. Psst. Snake,” Otacon said during the opening credits. “Guess where I am, Snake. Just guess. That’s right. I’m watching Star Trek. Yeah, the J.J. Abrams one. Do you need to save or anything? Because for the next to hours I’m going to be having my mind blown.”

Despite angry audience members telling him to ‘turn off your fucking walkie talkie’, Otacon continued to communicate with super-spy Solid Snake throughout the film.

“Holy shit, Snake. You’ll never guess what happened. No, no. I’m not going to spoil anything. I promise. Actually, this kind of reminds me of the time you were fighting that Native American dude in that tank. Remember that? Hold on, some jerk is throwing popcorn at me.”

After the film, Hardcasual met with a few of the audience members who had their movie watching experience completely ruined.

Jeanine Purrey, a Star Trek fan for over twenty years, is considering taking legal action against the government. “It’s ridiculous. I mean, I’m glad that we have people like him to keep us safe from giant nuclear-missle-launching robots, but that doesn’t give him the right to bring his work into a packed movie theatre. At one point, I guess he thought his friend was dead, and just kept shouting at the top of his lungs for like two minutes.”

Frank and Linda Corbin, a married couple who rarely get a chance to go on a date, are less impressed with the theater staff, who refused to take action against Mr. Emmerich.

“My husband talks to the manager, says, Hey there’s this guy in our theater who keeps blabbing on his cell phone. The manager comes into our theater, takes one look at the guy and skedaddles. Ridiculous.”

“We’re never coming back to this place again,” Mr. Corbin added.

Hardcasual asked Wai Sun, the theater manager, why he seemed to be giving Mr. Emmerich special treatment.

“Are you kidding me? That guy is best friends with Solid Snake. I tried to kick him out once, the next day I woke up with a proximity mine on my pillow. He can do whatever the hell he wants.”

Littler

Filed under: Commentary

My Podcast Gets Awesome After Hour Three

podcast

ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA – OPINIONS – Man, this has been a crazy week for videogames, right? But you’ve just been reading Kotaku, huh, poser, so why would you know? But you’re all like, oh, Totilo this, death of New Games Journalism that, but you have to really get it from the source. Oh, the source? Yeah, you should really be listening to my podcast.

Sure, I know you must have 10 or 12 games podcasts to listen to. Listen UP, Retronauts, Good Grief, and that’s just the shattered shell of post-rape 1Hearst. Sure, those guys are entertaining. They break down the news, they break down the opinions, they break down the reviews. They take what’s going on and they turn it into an entertaining but brief news-source. But that’s just in their first two hours. But what are they not offering? That’s right. Hour three.

That’s when you turn to my podcast. That’s right. “Ludology Wars Advance.”

Oh, but don’t turn our podcast off for those first two hours. Because, honestly, we haven’t gotten it all mic-checked. Or practiced. Because podcasting isn’t about that. Podcasting is about trying to get an exclusive preview via Skype with your bro who works at the QA for Wolverine. Not because the NDA expires then, but because he can’t afford broadband.

But after those first two hours, we get down to business. You know all your illusions about games? They’re shattered. Because it’s a business. That’s why we’re called “Ludology Wars Advance”. Also, you should buy a T-shirt. Seriously. They’re $14.95. CafePress puts out good stuff, it barely looks like it’s ironed on. Also, games are a business. And Kotaku sucks. I heard that from my bro. “Ludology Wars Advance” exclusive. But that’s just his opinion. We’re independent. Not like 1HEARST, those sellouts. They fired Shane.

Oh, shit? Has it been four hours? Rate us highly in iTunes, bros! Tune in next week. We’re gonna talk about how it’s hard to set up a group chat in iChat for 2 hours, then break open how independent games are, like, totally better than real games.

Shit, did we say real games? If we had a producer, we’d cut that shit out.

- sam ryan

Filed under: Commentary

Sephiroth Sick of Being Followed Around By Opera Music

Sephiroth dreads the F6 in Mozart's aria "Der Hölle Rache kocht in meinem Herzen"

Sephiroth dreads the F6 in Mozart's aria "Der Hölle Rache kocht in meinem Herzen"

MIDGAR, GAIA – White haired Final Fantasy icon and would-be destroyer of the planet Sephiroth is sick and tired of the cheesy rock opera music that seems to be following him around.

“Ever since I was thrown into that reactor core, I can’t seem to escape this awful music,” Sephiroth told Hardcasual in an interview at his Midgar residence. “It plays every time I get into an argument or a confrontation. The littlest things set it off. I hate it!”

Maive, a blind elderly woman who lets Sephiroth sleep on her couch in exchange for his protection against a neighborhood gang of rascals, says that the music helps her gauge Sephiroth’s mood. “He seems like such a nice boy, but he has quite a temper. Sometimes, when I ask him to tidy up his area or put his giant sword away, I hear the music start to play and I know he’s getting irritated. If it weren’t for that music, I’d probably have been run-through forty times over.”

Hardcasual accompanied Sephiroth to the King and Queen, a coffee shop he frequents to play chess. As he waited for friend, we talked a little about what life has been like for him ever since he was destroyed by Cloud Strife in the lifestream and inexplicably brought back to life several times.

“To be honest with you… I wish I would just stay dead. I know I’m the guy that everyone loves to hate, ever since I killed whats-her-face, but every time I come back, the music gets more dramatic and I grow another wing. What the fuck am I going to do with all these wings?” he asks, lifting his coat to reveal a mess of feathers beneath.

We waited in the King and Queen for two hours, but Sephiroth’s friend never came.

Sephiroth’s reputation is well known in Midgar, which makes it hard for him to find steady work. To make ends meet, the man who summoned meteor performs Wednesdays and Fridays at Bucky’s, a dive bar in Sector 7. Since he is unable to play any instruments, Sephiroth stands on stage until he is angered by a heckler, and then stands on stage in a fighting pose while the rock opera music plays for the bar patrons.

“It’s a living,” Sephiroth said after one such performance, looking off at a distant sunrise. He took out a handful of gil. “Let’s go blow this on hookers and materia.”

Littler

Filed under: Commentary

NBA 2K9 Found Dead after Night of Missed Prediction

Officials say the death will "kill its trade-in value."

Officials say the death will "kill its trade-in value."

BOSTON, MA – NBA 2K9, this year’s standout NBA video game, was found dead Sunday morning mere hours after wrongly predicting the outcome of the Bulls-Celtics game 7.

While the cause of death is still under investigation, local officials suspect suicide. The video game disc was found in its master bedroom with a bullet wound to its main printable area.

“He’d made a few poor predictions in the past, but he never let it get to him,” said NBA Live 09, NBA 2K9’s considerably less-popular business rival, but long-time friend. “I mean we’re only as good as our coding. Take me for example, I couldn’t predict a playoff round if I had a gun to my head.”

“That was inappropriate. Please don’t quote me on that,” added NBA Live 09.

NBA 2K9 leaves behind its son, College Hoops 2K8, and wife, Top Spin 3.

“NBA 2K9 is in a better place now,” said College Hoops in a touching eulogy. “I like to think it’s in heaven with All-Pro Football 2K8.”

plante

Filed under: Commentary, , , , , , , , ,

Workers in Overlord’s Castle Troubled By Flash of Light, Sudden Appearance of Ticking Clock

There's never a tall enough ladder in this darn castle.

There's never a tall enough ladder in this darn castle.

ENDGAME – Employees working at the evil overlord’s castle are concerned about what the brilliant flash of light emanating from highest tower and appearance of an ethereal digital clock ticking towards zero mean.

“I was refilling the hot lava moat when I heard a loud scream. It was really weird, because it, like, echoed over and over and over again,” said one foot soldier. “It was like, ‘Gah-gah-gah-gah-gah!’ Then there was this shrill sound, and the clock appeared.”

The clock, which is visible in every room, floats just out of reach of the custodial staff’s highest ladder. Attempts to shoot it down with a cannon have proved fruitless. The white numerals seem to consist of some ghostly matter, perhaps ectoplasm. Speculations as to what the clock is counting down to vary wildly. Some theorize that it’s how long until everyone gets a raise, others claim that it’s counting down to Take Your Daughter to Work Day.

“It’s really distracting,” said one necromancer, who was reanimating the corpses of feral wolves when the clock appeared. “I complained, so my boss went upstairs to His Highness’s chambers to get the scoop on what was going on. He said the door was barred shut and heard a lot of exposition coming from the other side.”

Some employees have contacted the local chapter of their union, The Minion Men. They claim that the ticking clock is a clear violation of union regulations. However, there isn’t enough time to organize a strike.

Though the evil overlord has made many an enemy in his attempts at world domination, his staff is confident that the bright light and ticking clock have nothing to do with a possible intruder.

“What, like some plucky young nobody could break through our defenses and get to the big guy without us knowing? Do I have to show you the statues with laser eyes again?” a giant skeleton troll told Hardcasual.

Before the possibility could be explored, the interview was cut short by a frenzied panic in the dining hall. The clock’s numerals had turned red and the castle was filled with tense, percussive action music.

Littler

Filed under: Commentary

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